50 ways to improve your life
I’m a fan of self-improvement. Or more precisely, I’m a fan of YouTube videos about self-improvement.
Helpfully, these videos always appear around mid-December, when I’m deep into my hungry caterpillar phase, ready to burst out of my cocoon on January 1st as a new man. I soak up and adapt the advice from these videos with all the brainpower of an insect too: ‘If I eat more now, then the weight loss will be even more impressive’.
Throughout January these resolutions tend to get a bit more pixilated, until eventually they are too painful to look at.
But this annual tradition got me thinking: what have I learned that has actually stuck?
Every day is a school day, you never stop learning
A quick Google led me to many articles listing hints, tips and habits to improve happiness, productivity, and ultimately, life. I found these incredibly frustrating. Advice like ‘practice self-kindness’ and ‘appreciate the now’ are so vague and unpractical as to be meaningless.
Others, such as Jordan Peterson – former intellectual and dedicated kermit the frog impersonator – have gone even further, writing entire books on the matter. His 12 Rules for Life range from the obvious "Make friends with people who want the best for you", to the bizarre "Do not bother children when they are skate-boarding".
Lots of these lists also seem incredibly repetitive. I mean, is it just me or do the first and second rules of fight club sound suspiciously similar?
To be clear: what follows are not rules, guidelines, demands or commandments. They are certainly not life hacks – aside from the fact they are about life, and written by a hack. They are simply my preferred rules of engagement in the world. In some cases they are things that should be social norms, but aren’t. Others are hopes, wishes and thoughts I’ve had along the way. And a few I just pinched.
I am not telling you how to live your life. This isn’t a to-do list. You don’t have to do any of it. All I’m saying is you could try.
Yep, I’m making a list, checking it twice, gonna fill it up with lots of gripes.
A little niall list if you will.
Here goes…
The fundamentals
1. Look after yourself first
This isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. There is a reason they say to put your own oxygen mask on before helping those around you. Sure, if the kid is struggling I guess you can help. But really, they should have been paying attention.
2. Do not use your phone at meal times
If you really have to take a picture of your food, still don’t.
3. If someone buys you a drink, buy them one back
Don’t be a round dodger.
One for everyone in the audience
4. Occasionally agree to things you know you’ll regret
Fuck your future self. Let that guy deal with it in the morning.
5. Accept that lateness can never be a personality trait
Rudeness can.
6. Praise rarely
Praise should only be given occasionally and to those who really deserve it. Otherwise, it becomes meaningless. The same also applies to cursing. If done sporadically it will be more memorable, you fucking dickheads.
7. Stop devaluing the currency of tears
Crying is an important signal to other humans. Cry over loss and regret. Do not cry at the John Lewis Christmas advert.
8. You are not what you wear
Fashion doesn’t matter. Great people aren’t remembered for looking smart, they are remembered for being smart. Obama wore the same tuxedo to events for 8 years as president. Steve Jobs invented the iPod while wearing a hideous turtleneck and mom jeans every single day.
9. Do not ‘network’
Networking is completely awful, humiliating and degrading. Just speak to the people you like, and occasionally to those you have to.
10. Once a year do a big clear out
If you haven’t used it, donate or bin it.
11. Find your drug of choice
Then consume it responsibly or sit quietly in the corner.
12. Do not settle for solutions that are worse than the status quo
Carrying a cup everywhere, forever, is inefficient and unrealistic. Paper straws are fucking vile and should be outlawed.
13. Do not order the continental breakfast
A croissant is ok, but bacon is delicious. Don’t be a fool.
14. Don’t try to understand hipsters
Their lack of authenticity and uniqueness is not just ironic, it’s moronic. You can think independently without dressing like a plonker.
15. Don’t argue with people who have studied debating
You might be right and you might even win them over. But it’ll make for a tedious conversation.
16. Follow the 95/5 rule of parenting
Most of the time be a good parent – teach them rules, manners, to share etc. But, 5% of the time accept that you are a total failure – just buy them whatever it takes to get them to comply. Ice-cream for breakfast? Fine.
Things that should be laws, but aren’t
17. The only acceptable queue is a single file, snake-like queue
There can be no equality without queue equality. Also, I’m changing the spelling of queue to que.
18. Turn your phone off in the cinema
Not on silent. Off.
19. Don’t play music out loud on public transport
Good manners cost nothing. And headphones are cheap.
20. Learn what a spoiler is, then stop giving them out
Saying the film has a twist ending is itself a spoiler.
21. Legalise all drugs
Yes, heroin included. Aren’t you curious?
22. All bottled water should be sparkling
And all espressos should be doubles.
23. Waiters have to write down orders with a pen and paper
Memory game for them is anxiety game for you. This is also an all or nothing endeavour – they can only be totally right or painfully wrong. There is no need for this. Just write it down.
Booze, glorious booze
24. December should be officially recognised as a month long celebration of excess
We have a mental health epidemic on our hands, and 11 months is more than enough to be grafting. Take your foot off the pedal. Think of it as a fun Ramadan, with no time for reflection, fasting or prayer – unless it’s to worship Arthur Guinness.
25. Respect that airports and airplanes operate on international time
Drinking alcohol is not just tolerated, it’s encouraged.
26. Eating is not cheating
That is the mantra of the idiot. Eat long and prosper.
27. Don’t play drinking games
Drinking vodka every time Sting says Roxanne in the titular song is dangerous. After that kind of stupidity you’ll need an ambulance, not the police.
28. If the barman accidentally comes to you first, point out who is actually next
You’ll be next up, and swimming in respect.
29. If it comes in pints, you should order one
And be on your merry way.
Things I’ll be telling my son
30. Accept that the majority of people are stupid
Once you do, the world starts to make a lot more sense.
31. Overpromise and underdeliver
Everyone else does. May as well jump on the bandwagon.
32. Judge people by your first encounter with them
No benefit of the doubt. This is not books and covers. If you quickly suspect someone of being an arsehole, they are almost certainly an arsehole.
33. Learn to lie convincingly, but mostly tell the truth
You cannot be honest all the time. Lots of babies are ugly and lots of ideas are bad. But hearing those things isn’t helpful to anyone.
34. Forgive people who are really sorry
But never forget and plot your revenge.
35. Dance like nobody is watching
But post on social media like your parents, ex, boss and soul mate are watching.
36. Punch someone once in your life
You will know who and when. Hit him hard son.
37. Recognise that porn is not sex
That is something else. Find a girl/boy you like and have real experiences.
38. Do not put ice in another man’s whiskey
Not a euphemism.
39. Every so often ask your mates how they are, really
At any given time someone won’t be doing well.
Are you not entertained?
40. If you are not enjoying a film, play, museum etc. walk out
You have already wasted your money. Don’t waste your time.
41. Don’t have a kids movie be your favourite film
Frozen is fine, but it is for children. Let it go.
42. Don’t force birthday parties on people who don’t want them
‘Happy’ birthday is subjective.
43. Accept that modern art is a total scam
Claiming some of it is good is like claiming there are good mosquitoes. Stop defending this rubbish. I can prove it – let me create something alongside these ‘artists’. Then get the top modern art critics to judge the pieces. If they all point me out as the fraud, I’ll put my hands up. But they won’t, and you know they won’t – because I’m not the fraud, they are.
Just think about it
44. Weeks should have 6 days, not 7
4 days of work + 2 day weekend. Repeat x60 for a year. The remaining 5 or 6 days will be additional bank holidays, for those days between Christmas and New Year.
All good things…
45. In an interview situation, always ask for a coffee
If you don’t get the job, at least you got a hot drink.
46. Always pack a pair of socks, boxers and a t-shirt in your carry-on luggage
A kid could puke on you or the airline could lose your bag. This is a guaranteed stress reliever. Keep calm and carry on.
47. Judge people by their weird beliefs
But do it carefully. With Mars and Uranus aligning, all the signs point to reflection, over your more impulsive qualities, being the safest path.
48. If you can’t get justice, try mob justice
Always good to have a plan B.
49. Calendars must begin with Monday
Sunday is not the start of the week. It is a day for rest and sadness.
50. Realise you can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.