It’s not right, but it’s OK
I have a superpower.
Forget strength, invisibility, or teleportation. This trumps them all - the superhuman ability to admit when I’m wrong. It is a power I have needed to take advantage of on a regular basis.
In the past I’ve needed to reign it in, as it has come across extremely badly. I will crumble at the first piece of concrete evidence that counters my point. ‘Yeah, you are 100% right, and I’m 100% wrong’. That goes down like a bag of sick, let me tell you. I try now to be aware that with great power comes great responsibility.
Like most people I naturally try to avoid all confrontation. For years I was proud to tell people that myself and my partner didn’t have fights. Sure, we had the occasional disagreement, misunderstanding, argument, clash, debate, squabble, quarrel, dispute, conflict, or row. But never fights.
Fail fast, fail often
Being wrong is fine.
To be clear, this isn’t like that motivational business bullshit about failure being the path to success. Don’t try to fail. Try to succeed for god sake.
I don’t strive to be wrong. I do want to be right. It just isn’t that important to me.
I’m not sure where this attitude comes from. A lifetime filled with errors, perhaps. For instance, I was in my thirties when it was pointed out to me the word congragulations is actually spelt congratulations. I’d been misspelling it in birthday cards for decades and nobody said anything.
It’s also not like I get much better with time. This isn’t a congrags to riches story.
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What does annoy me is that it feels like the rules of engagement when it comes to arguments have changed. There could be many reasons for this, but I am going to lay the blame squarely at the feet of a man who outnumbers me in both years (1) and wealth ($126 billion): Zuckerberg.
Internet discourse has entered the real world. It is now far more important to ‘win’ than it is to be right.
Online you cannot meet someone halfway. You can’t walk a mile in their shoes. Small concessions are all but gone.
We have been reduced to avatar eggs lobbing bricks at each other.
Here is how every argument on the internet goes:
Egg1: I think x
Egg2: x is a stupid thing to think
Egg1: Here is some evidence. Zing
Egg2: x is a stupid thing to think
Egg1: You didn’t engage with my evidence
Egg2: I engaged with your mom
Sometimes these disagreements can come down to a simple conflation of subjectivity (opinions and biases) and objectivity (verifiable facts). Case in point: I don’t like Wes Anderson movies (subjective), but everyone else adores him - despite his films being pretentious, irksome-filled nonsense that are essentially expensive school plays (objective).
Richard with a vengeance
Of course this isn’t everybody and it isn’t all the time. Here are the signs to look out for in this type of person. Let’s call him Richard.
Step 1: Moving the goalposts
You were just discussing one thing but now you are very much talking about something else
Things of no consequence to the disagreement are deployed: ‘but that train is always crowded’. How crowded the train is has no relevance to how long the journey will take. Time and comfort are not the same thing. You know this. Richard knows this. As a kid he was always that little prick who took his ball home – as an adult he takes the goalposts too.
Step 2: Doubling down
Like his pathetic stag do in Vegas, Richard thinks he can win if he just keeps going. This is now a battle of wills. ‘Trust me, I know what I’m talking about’. He has no idea what he’s talking about. He is a gobshite of the highest order.
Now you must play the long game. He will try and grind you down. Don’t let him. Time to set up shop in his head. Do what I do in these situations – become the Jordan Belfort of the arguments industry. I’m not fuckin’ leaving, boy.
These people give you nothing. He cannot concede even the smallest aspect of his argument. This has become so common in disagreements: the give an inch, take a mile fallacy – seeing everyone as untrustworthy and refusing to acknowledge the paltriest of points. But to concede part of something is not to concede everything. If you give me 10%, you still have 90%. However, if you are not willing to give me that 10% - you get nothing.
Step 3: The conversation bomb
This is it. The inevitable conclusion. He couldn’t grind you down. Sometimes the road is short and sometimes it is long. But on the fifth day Gandalf will always ride over that hill. And Richard will always pull out this weasel manoeuvre…
‘This doesn’t matter’ he says. You are hysterical and need to calm yourself down. Christ almighty! Well then what does matter? And who decides?
Epilogue:
If you are lucky, he might even treat you to the ultimate cheery on top the poop cake – ‘I'm sorry you feel that way’. Yep, the good old condescending non-apology. No remorse. You are the irrational one.
Such dick moves.
Certainty delivers a weak brew
I am wrong, frequently. But I’m not alone.
After all, human history is just filled with people trying to uncover truths while getting virtually everything wrong. The things we don’t know far outnumber the things we do. If only my brain could prioritise the right kind of knowledge. For example - why is it I know that racecar backwards spells racecar, but I don’t know my blood type?
This occurs in big ways too, like in June 2016 when the UK voted to leave the EU by 52% to 48%. This was seen as a once in a generation vote. The result would have huge implications that millions of people would need to live with. It took over the media and political landscapes, dividing people into 2 camps – Remain and Leave. But what about camp 3? Of the 46.5m electorate, 13m didn’t vote. Lots of people didn’t care, many more just didn’t know.
I’ve often wondered if deep certainty is a character trait that people like me just don’t possess. Like those people who say they have no regrets. It always astounds me. Can they be telling the truth? I’ve regretted career choices, relationships, holidays. I’ve regretted haircuts. I regret my lunch choice frequently.
People like me have no affinity to these types. We um. We aah. We think deeply about things. And then we still can’t decide.
Incorrect course
Mostly this ignorant and uncertain approach to life is harmless and inoffensive. Not understanding what the symbols on my oven mean hasn’t killed anyone yet. But what about the opposite – the entirely self-assured and assertive types?
Just look at our ruling class. They have become masters of this toxic form of debate and faux certainty. It fills our screens but ultimately gets us nowhere. Human progress is just walking in a dark field full of shit. It’s ok to admit stepping in some every so often. Denying it won’t remove the stink.
We have an entire industry made up of commentators talking about political ‘performance’ rather than ideas that will genuinely improve people’s lives. Dithering idiots waiting to coin the next ‘whatever-gate’ scandal (Sidenote: Wikipedia tells me Justin Timberlake exposing Janet Jackson’s breast at the Super Bowl is both ‘nipplegate’ and ‘boobgate’).
Maybe you are reading this and you think this style of ‘debate’ (simply lies, misdirection and showmanship) is healthy and progressive for our politics and our lives. If so, please do post about it on social media. The eggs are waiting. After all, your opinion matters - just not to me.
Ultimately, I don’t want these deepfake uncanny valley humanoids in positions of power. I want honest-to-god fuck ups. Tryers. People who get things dead wrong but are busy trying to put it right. The idea we need to be presented with these robotic lying dweebs is insulting. It’s just a bunch of posh people who went to the same university anyway.
I can accept that to many people this lengthy exasperation at what is simply a preferred style of discussion for some, and that doing so at a time of significant global crises, might be seen as a first world problem. Well to those people I would say: First world problems are still problems. Where are your first world solutions?
There’s nothing wrong with being wrong. Admitting fault can be great. It’s a relief.
Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.